about

2014-04-119514.32.34

I AM A LIAR.

 

I sit along the edges of classrooms and movie theaters. I cross the street when another approaches, or pretend to intensely gaze at something off in the distance when forced to cross paths. Group work in school made me nervous, and partner work in yoga gives me heart palpitations. I park in the far reaches of lots over taking that lucky spot up front. I travel on back roads, walk on side streets, and weave through department stores on mapped out paths to ensure minimal contact with sales personnel. I’m incapable of tolerating crowded places for long periods of time, and need a quiet place to recover from the madness lest I go mad myself.

I am not aloof, or pretentious, or unfriendly. I want to run on the last available treadmill between two strangers at the gym without feeling my heart in my throat. I want to make eye contact with you on the street, smile, and say good morning without fearing possible rejection. I want to fit into the extroverted “normal human being” paradigm.

And so I do. After years of feeling awkward and not knowing why, drained and unable to renew, amongst others yet alone within myself, I crafted a convincing mask of extraversion for the world at large, and even convinced myself of its veracity at times. I’ve assertively taught Kung Fu to groups of adults and children, tricked personality tests into producing “type A” results, worked and excelled in competitive, high pressure sales positions, and tended high volume bars with the confident authority of an extrovert, and it’s all a lie.

I am Renee Novosel. I am a mother, a writer, a lover, an introvert, and a liar. I write to protect myself within the lie and beneath the mask, to remember who I really am, and to remind myself that it’s okay. If you’re an introvert, you’re okay too. If you’re a lucky extrovert, welcome to this drafty window into the mind of a wallflower.

Advertisements

290 thoughts on “about

  1. Thanks for the follow Renee. Your words connect so well with people like me. Great bio ever read till date. Keep the good work going. Keep inspiring. 🙂

    1. Thank you so very much for reading and reaching out! I’ve been astounded by the outpouring of support from fellow introverts since launching this blog. We have numbers, words, and so many feelings. It’s lovely meeting another like minded soul. ♡

      1. Writing our feelings down is the only way which connects like minded introvert like us..and help us grow. It is always a great experience travelling across the world sitting in front of our computers. 😀

  2. Hi Renee, I look forward to crossing the “threshold of a drafty window to enter the mind of a wallflower”! From what I have seen so far I won’t be disappointed 🙂 Thanks for stopping by my site.
    Sincerely, Mary

  3. Thank you for checking out my blog, Dear Sylvia. Renee, I loved reading this, I am an introvert myself and I see me hiding from life inside layers and trying to be tough. I related. I would LOVE it if you contribute to my blog too. ❤

  4. Hi ~ whilst I do not class myself as an introvert, I am guilty if that is the right description of basically ‘blagging’ my way through functions ands meetings. It is so weird how others view me as lovely and would never know that inside I am screaming at myself to be quiet and blend in. So strange but true but then I think everyone is a liar to an extent in one way or another somewhere in their life if they want to admit or not! lol.
    The part of your ‘about’ I related to the most was “I’m incapable of tolerating crowded places for long periods of time, and need a quiet place to recover from the madness lest I go mad myself.” which is why I dream of living way away from anyone….but thats another story. So hello and look forward to crossing your path again real soon. Take care and good luck x

    1. You’re absolutely right: we all wear the masks we have to at times, some more than others. 😉

      Hello to you as well! I hope that someday we both find just the right amount of solitude. ♡♡♡

      Thank you for stopping by!

      I

      1. The trick is staying true to your nature when circumstances force a mask upon you. It seems that those who become the masks lose their essential nature. It’s taken me over three decades to understand how this balance works and make best use of it … a complex and delicate social ballet.

  5. Thanks for following my blog Renee, you are one of a special few, ha!. Introverts really are fascinating people, it can explain why so many excel creatively with their active minds, your blog is a great example.

  6. I think you have explained the human condition – not that we are all introverts (I think I am) – but I think we all try to fool ourselves into believing the constructs we have built to show ourselves to the world are the real deal. I admire the skilful and honest way you described this and have enjoyed reading your poetry. Cheers

  7. It’s true. You woke up and found yourself in Uncle Bardie Country. Now that you have followed Uncle Bardie, you may find yourself at that fork in the road that have to take. With Uncle Bardie for a guide, you can be comforted that you may stub your toe on a pun, find you can’t resist laughing at those things you never thought funny and wake up to wonder what Uncle Bardie will post next. It’s okay. That itch can be scratched by simply tuning into the next Post, It could very well be a doozy or not. Either way it will be coming from the whacky mind of Uncle Bardie. So thanks for following Uncle Bardie’s Stories & Such. It beats bananas any day. Unless…but that’s a whole ‘nother thang.

  8. I like your honest “About”. I can identify in a round about way. I spent the first fifty years of my life as an acculturated extrovert until a new friend pointed out that I am an introvert like her. It is refreshing to understand why after being with people I need huge amounts of time and space to myself to recover. And that most people don’t get it. Thanks for making clear the challenge of being an introvert in a busy world. Blessings on your journey.

    1. Thank you very much! I didn’t realize how much social space I needed until about 5 years ago, and my therapist played a crucial role in helping me sort it all out. 🙂

  9. From one Rene to another hello. I am ashamed to admit that this is the first time I have visited your blog, you have been following mine for a year now. I am not ashamed to say I regret waiting so long to come here. You are refreshing and real, even with your mask on. I am one of those extroverts you deem as being lucky, I warm heartedly have to disagree on this point. Try as I might I too have and often wear a mask only I am an extrovert trying desperately to be an introvert out of my weariness, despair and shattered spirit that is the result of being otherwise. If and when I do come across those who appreciate and may even respect my passion, intellect, how well read I am and what some might call strength; my intensity often scares people away and often times scares them. I also have an annoying way of talking very fast and the more passionate, angry or excited I about the topic of conversation the faster I talk. Those that may be sincerely interested in my many opinions ask me to slow down but most just nod and say uh huh. This intensity very often comes across as bitterness and resentment (both emotions which I do not feel) or I come across as an eternally angry woman, an emotion that yes I very often feel though impressions of where my anger is directed is most often wrong. I have very few what I consider friends which is not equivalent to the number of friends that I seem to have; most of whom like me to a point and do enjoy my company…..as long as certain subjects don’t invoke my extroverted personality to take of my introvert mask at which point these friends don’t like me so much anymore. My self-confidence, or lack there of, is very often thrown in the self-esteem trash bin by words like ‘I am sorry I asked’, ‘I didn’t want an entire newscast just the headlines’, ‘I don’t care’, or my favorite ‘relax, you make to big a deal out of everything’. The sad part is that to play the part of an introvert requires much more than just toning my personality down, it requires my not having a personality at all. It’s a lose lose situation. I don’t recall a day in many years when I have not shed a tear of hurt feelings. I admire your ability to play the part of an extrovert and be an incredibly interesting and likable person, I would love to learn how to be those things while playing the introvert. I am looking forward to getting to know you and will be looking through your window often. Tell Renee’ that Rene’ says hello.

    1. Hello, Rene! I’ll write a more fitting response to your candid confessions as soon as I have a bit more time, but for now know that we all wear masks — every single damned one of us. It’s the awareness of this fact, of what the masks are and when we wear them, that arms us with the protective power they possess without being consumed by them. ❤

  10. Thanks very much for following The Immortal Jukebox. I hope you will enjoy lots of entertaining writing and the wide variety of music. I usually post once a week. Please feel free to add comments. If it’s been a while since you visited come on over and see what’s new! Good luck with your blog. Regards Thom.

  11. Hi Renee, it’s me your fan Luke who reviewed your poetry blog last year. Can I please write your name as a reference on my CV as I apply to tutor a Renaissance Poetry paper at my local university?

    1. Hi there, Luke! I’ve been quite absent from my blog due to an insane work schedule. I certainly hope I responded to you, but I can’t recall doing so! Yes, absolutely. I’m sure it’s well beyond your needing an answer … I’m so sorry!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s